Over-parenting has become increasingly common in recent years, and while it often stems from genuine love and concern for children’s wellbeing, it can have serious negative consequences for their development and long-term success. Understanding what over-parenting looks like and how to avoid these patterns can help you support your children’s growth without inadvertently undermining their developing independence and resilience.
Over-parenting generally means doing things for our children that they can and should be doing for themselves. It can also involve trying to fix problems for them that they need to learn to handle independently. One subtle form of over-parenting involves attempting to eliminate difficult emotions or experiences that children need to learn to navigate on their own.
When Empathy Becomes Harmful
Sometimes parents can become too empathetic in ways that actually interfere with their children’s emotional development. While empathy is generally a positive quality in parenting, our children need to learn to experience and work through their emotions independently rather than having us constantly try to make their difficult feelings go away.
When your child is experiencing challenging emotions, what’s often most helpful is offering some empathy without immediately giving advice or instructions about how to handle whatever is bothering them.
Let me share a personal story that illustrates this principle. This occurred during the COVID-19 pandemic when many families were dealing with significant disruptions to their normal routines and activities.
I had been relatively unaffected by the pandemic restrictions, but my 17-year-old daughter had been suffering tremendously. She’s someone who loves her friends, school activities, and volleyball. She’s naturally energetic and wants to experience every possible moment of joy and connection in her life.
Because of the pandemic, she had lost most of her daily contact with friends, missed the last part of her junior year in high school, and had her club volleyball season completely shut down. Volleyball was incredibly important to her, and she had worked extremely hard to prepare for what was supposed to be a crucial season for college recruitment.
Watching her experience these disappointments was very difficult for me as her parent. I tried various approaches to help lift her spirits and provide hope that things would improve. Nothing I said seemed to make much difference, and I felt frustrated by my inability to help her feel better.
During this time, I made a conscious decision to simply suffer alongside her rather than continuing to try to fix her emotional pain. This doesn’t mean I became depressed or stopped experiencing joy in my own life. It means that most of my interactions with her focused on empathy and acknowledgment of her difficult experience rather than attempts to change how she felt.
I would say things like, “I’m sorry, honey. I know this is really hard for you,” or “I wish things were different too. I can see why this is such a disappointment for you.” This was purely empathetic response without any attempt to provide solutions or make her feel differently.
I stopped offering advice, encouragement, or guidance about how to handle her disappointment. Instead, I focused on simply being present with her emotional experience.
Something remarkable happened when I stopped trying to fix her feelings or make them better. Having someone to talk with occasionally who could simply witness her experience seemed to help her feel better, at least temporarily.
Suffering alongside someone actually requires courage because you have to remain open to feeling what they’re feeling. You must be willing to experience some of their sadness and pain, usually by simply being present with them and allowing them to share their experience without trying to change it.
The Problem with Excessive Control
Another way that parents engage in over-parenting is through excessive control of their children’s choices and experiences. This approach is linked to what researchers call authoritarian parenting, which represents the old-school method of child-rearing.
Authoritarian parents operate like drill sergeants with a “my way or the highway” mentality. Their primary goal is compliance from their children, and they use control and authority to achieve this compliance.
The problem with excessive control is that research clearly shows this approach harms children’s development. While children may comply in the short term to avoid conflict, they often rebel eventually against this level of control.
I’ve observed this pattern repeatedly in my clinical work. Children who grow up under excessive control are also much more likely to become social followers as adults. They’ve spent their entire childhood listening to someone else tell them what to do, so they continue looking outwardly to other people, particularly peers, for direction rather than developing their own judgment.
Children raised with excessive control also tend to develop low self-esteem. Being overly controlled creates resentment and disconnection from parents, but it’s very poor at creating genuine connection or internal motivation.
The Paradox of Control
There’s an interesting phenomenon I call the paradox of control that applies directly to over-parenting. The more control you try to exert over people, especially your children, the less influence you actually have with them over time. Excessive control tends to backfire and reduce your ability to guide and influence your children.
Let me illustrate this principle with a story from my own childhood. I grew up on naval bases because my father was a naval officer, which meant our family moved frequently.
In fourth grade, I had a favorite teacher named Mr. Gordon. I absolutely loved Mr. Gordon, probably because he clearly cared about his students and made learning enjoyable. I looked up to him tremendously.
Mr. Gordon was also a social activist who was concerned about various political issues. I didn’t really understand what that meant at the time, but one of his concerns involved the U.S. Navy conducting bomb testing on an island somewhere.
He believed the Navy had no right to use this island for weapons testing, and he spent considerable time during class discussing this issue with us. He wanted all of his students to sign a petition supporting his cause.
I was excited to participate because I wanted to do whatever Mr. Gordon thought was important. I ran home and told my parents, especially my dad, about this issue and how terrible it was that the U.S. Navy was behaving this way.
I was completely clueless about the implications of what I was saying to my father, who was a career naval officer. My father was a big, strong, respected man whom I also adored.
I’ll never forget his response to my passionate criticism of the Navy. He said, “Listen, Todd, I’m going to share with you my view of this issue, and it’s very different from how your teacher feels about it. Then I’m going to let you make your own decision about what you want to do.”
He explained his perspective on the situation, which was completely opposite to Mr. Gordon’s view. Then he said, “I’m going to leave the decision up to you. You can sign the petition if you want to. I won’t stop you.”
By the time he had shared his perspective and given me the freedom to make my own choice, my decision was clear. There was no way I was going to sign that petition.
I was in fourth grade and didn’t understand the complexities of political issues. However, because of my relationship with my father and the way he allowed me freedom to make my own decisions, he had the ability to influence me powerfully.
His influence came not from controlling me but from respecting my autonomy while sharing his perspective. This approach drew me toward his viewpoint rather than pushing me away through control or demands.
Fear-Based Parenting
Excessive control is often linked to fear-based parenting. When we parent from a place of fear, we try to minimize the possibility that our children will make mistakes or poor choices. We attempt to decrease the odds that something bad will happen to them.
Fear-based parenting always includes extensive “what if” thinking about our children’s behaviors and choices. What if he starts using drugs? What if she becomes sexually active? What if he fails in school? The list of potential fears is endless.
The deeper fear that many parents face is: What if we lose them somehow? What if they destroy their lives in ways they can’t recover from?
When we parent from fear, we end up trying to exert as much control as possible to prevent our fears from becoming reality. We convince ourselves that we’re just keeping our children safe and protecting them from harm.
I once knew a family whose parents were so fearful about their daughter’s choices that they wouldn’t even allow her to eat lunch at the same table as boys at school. They controlled virtually every aspect of her life because they were constantly worried that she might make a mistake that would ruin her future.
Their fears became a self-fulfilling prophecy. They did lose their daughter, but not because she made terrible mistakes. She left home as soon as she possibly could because the level of control had become unbearable for her.
Fear-based parenting and excessive control actually disconnect you from your children rather than protecting them. This approach paradoxically gives you less influence with them over the long term rather than more.
The Alternative Approach
Instead of over-functioning for your children or trying to control their every choice, focus on building genuine connection while maintaining appropriate boundaries and expectations.
Allow your children to experience natural consequences for their choices without rescuing them from disappointment or difficulty. These experiences teach them valuable lessons about responsibility and help them develop better judgment for future decisions.
When your children face problems, resist the urge to immediately solve these problems for them. Instead, ask questions that help them think through possible solutions and support them emotionally while they work through challenges.
Gradually increase your children’s responsibilities and independence as they demonstrate growth and maturity. This approach builds their confidence and capability rather than keeping them dependent on you for guidance and solutions.
Remember that your role as a parent is to prepare your children for independent adult life, not to shield them from all difficulties or make all their decisions for them.
Building Independence Through Connection
The goal isn’t to become uninvolved or disconnected from your children’s lives. Instead, you want to maintain strong emotional connections while encouraging appropriate independence and self-reliance.
Children who feel securely connected to their parents are actually more willing to take appropriate risks and develop independence because they know they have a safe base of support to return to when needed.
This balance between connection and independence requires ongoing adjustment as children grow and develop. What’s appropriate for a young child is different from what’s needed for a teenager or young adult.
The key is maintaining the relationship foundation while gradually transferring responsibility and decision-making authority to your children as they demonstrate readiness for increased autonomy.
When you avoid over-parenting and focus instead on building connection while encouraging appropriate independence, you help your children develop into confident, capable adults who maintain close relationships with you throughout their lives.
If you’re interested in learning more about creating this balance between connection and appropriate independence for your children, I encourage you to explore my Connection and Credibility parenting program. This comprehensive approach helps you build strong relationships while avoiding the pitfalls of over-parenting that can undermine your children’s development. You can learn more about this balanced framework at https://www.drtoddtalks.com.
